Molvanians are a deeply religious people and most belong to a church, or are supported by one. The most dominant religion is Baltic Orthodox, a local form of worship very similar to Catholicism (except that Catholics long ago dismissed the concept of the world being flat). Baltic Orthodox congregations may also smoke in church. This religion dates back thousands of years and local believers will proudly tell you that one of the two robbers crucified next to Christ was infact from Molvania.
St Fyodor – Patron Saint of Molvania (AD1507–1563)
St Fyodor was born in 1507 to a family of wealthy Molvanian landowners. At the age of just four he amazed church elders by drinking an entire vat of communion wine. It was a religious feat he was to repeat many times later in life. From his mother Fyodor inherited a quiet manner and pious devotion to God. From his father he inherited gout. Fyodor’s first period of devotion began when, as a 10-year-old, he was sent to help his family run their farm but refused to take part, saying it was God’s will that he remain inside to pray and meditate. Such was his devotion to this task that the young man would only come out for meals and public holidays. During these periods he would often fast for up to three hours at a time, dedicating his discomfort to the Lord.
Fyodor was a man of many contradictions. When his father’s house burnt down, he remarked that he did not mind as material belongings meant nothing to him. Yet a few weeks later he almost clubbed a man to death for stealing his lute in what theologians believe must have been a fit of religious fervour.
A great friend of the poor, Fyodor took particular interest in young single women and could often be seen visiting their homes at all hours of the day and night, armed only with a Bible and a bottle of sacramental red. Here he would preach the Gospel and offer to lay hands on those who kneeled before him
Such was St Fyodor’s devotion to the Lord that, at the age of 21, he announced that he’d been called to give up all movement. As part of this devotion he would sit by the fire in quiet contemplation for months on end, taking no nourishment save three meals a day plus snacks. At other times he would disappear for long periods without explanation, returning from his devotions with slurred speech and unsteady gait – a sign, he claimed, that the Holy Spirit was dwelling within.
At the age of 56 and weighing over 100kg he was arrested by Protestant militiamen who demanded he denounce his faith or be killed. Fyodor refused, saying calmly that the Lord would protect him. At this point he was tied to a tree, whipped, shot with arrows and beheaded. His last words were ‘copra sanctum’ (‘holy shit’).

St Fyodor was beatified by Pope Paul in 1617, canonized by Pope Gregory XV in 1623 and featured posthumously on an episode of Molvania’s ‘This is YourLife’ in 1982.
Relics of his underpants can be found at the Chapel of St Fyodor in Lutenblag.
– from Lives of the Saints (Vatican University Press)

This extract taken from MOLVANIA – a land untouched by modern dentistry